Next week I will be heading to St. Louis to help one of our subsidiaries move to a new building. I arrive next Thursday evening to help with the move on Friday and will stick around for the weekend to be on hand for any difficulties found at the beginning of the week. My flight back is scheduled for Tuesday, but I suspect I will head home Monday night unless there are serious problems.

This means an entire weekend in a city I know very little about. I know cubziz and wooferstl  live in the area, and I will be in touch with them. Between them, anyone else I run into, and the internet in general, I am hoping for some direction on how to entertain myself over the weekend. I imagine I will go see the arch, but I'm open to suggestions in addition to whatever I may learn online in the next few days.

I have every confidence my part of the move will go well. I'm really there to move a router and make some minimal changes to go online with the new circuits at the new building. The biggest pitfalls are any problems encountered by the local telephone company or the data service provider, both of which are largely beyond my control. The only damage I could do is drop the equipment down a flight of stairs or muck up the configuration. I don't intend to do either (and mucking up the configuration would be an inconvenience more than anything else.)

It's partly a goodwill trip. The events leading up to this move have involved significant changes to their processes and giving us control of a good number of things where they were previously autonomous. Sending me helps show that we aren't a mysterious force in another state taking away all their toys. We're a smiley goateed force helping them move and taking away their toys. It's slightly different.

deanosota  asks "What part of your job do you like the most?"

I would say I most like implementing systems. It doesn't matter if it is building a totally new system, reinstalling an existing system, testing, or production. I tend to be happiest when I am lost in the midst of putting all the pieces together and making them work. I was the kid who would build all kinds of crazy things out of Lego, sit and admire them, then turn around and start improving it or pull them all apart to build something different.

I like to tinker.

elemental150  asks "what is your favorite pass time?"

There are a number of ways to pass the time that I enjoy. I am most likely to be found futzing around in front of the computer and chatting online and such, but that is almost habit more than preference. Really I have a greater fondness for playing video games, mostly in the adventure, puzzle, or platformer genres. The Legend of Zelda and Metroid series are some of my favorites. Most recently I have been playing a lot of Lumines Supernova, and before that LittleBigPlanet.

Now one thing I used to enjoy a great deal is hanging out with a good close group of friends. Unfortunately I haven't had a group like that in years and don't know when I might develop a group of friends again. It may be something wrong with me, or it may just be the way life is as you get further into "adult" life but I haven't developed that much of a connection with a group for a while.

Texas Bear Round Up has come and gone once again, and this was a good year indeed. I'm not going to go into detail, but instead give a few random thoughtlets that linger in my mind.

• Spending time with friends both old and new.
• Rekindling a friendship I thought had been fading away.
• Instead of avoiding the subject, telling people that another friendship had ended after I received a blow off email.
• Discovering a relatively new friendship has the strength to survive an exhaustion induced emotional outburst.
• Watching the Battlestar Galactica finale with everyone and realizing most of the room was crying near the end of the episode.
• Fulfilling a promise I made last summer in Wichita.
• Spending 7 hours at Six Flags and only riding 3 rides, but having fun nevertheless.
• Getting played by one of the "pretty" bears and laughing it off later.
• Feeling ok about not having a defined group where I belong.
• Seeing the new Dallas Eagle, complete with overflowing bathroom fixtures.
• Beginning and ending the weekend in a great mood.

(I apparently haven't taken any photos at TBRU in the past few years, so I am including a bear of a much more innocent stripe to go with this post.)

Ok, so I went ahead and dyed my hair auburn. It's not a huge change, but it is definitely more red now. Only effect I have noticed so far is one of the employees at Pei Wei started flirting with me at lunch...

This weekend, I will be testing the theory that redheads do in fact have more fun.

joshjeffcoat had previously suggested a gathering to watch the BSG finale on Saturday afternoon. After discussions with him, that plan has changed slightly and all your BSG goodness will now be hosted at the home of eggwards and myself.

Meet in the host hotel lobby between 11:30A and noon so we can arrange rides and get everyone headed in the right direction (This may coincide with the LJ bear meet and greet if one has been planned.)

This is around lunch time, so we will discuss getting some pizzas at our place or an intermediate stop for a group lunch.

After Battlestar everyone is more than welcome to hang out, play video games (I do have Rock Band 2 for the PS3 among other things,) munch on snacks, watch movies, whatever moves us. We'll have some snacks and sodas around, but while we do have some alcohol, it is essentially BYOB.

So, come join us and get your geek on. If you have any questions, leave a comment or send an email to cbride @ gmail.com.

bear_with_me  asks "What finally happened to your fake millionaire ex??????"

This one will require a tiny bit of background.

Years ago, my life was much more fabulous. I was with an extremely outgoing, very successful man. The kind of guy you either loved or you hated. Could sell ice to Eskimos and all that. Life looked like a constant vacation, at least on the surface. However, in reality, it was an abusive relationship (which I previously mentioned in this post.)

A couple years after we broke up, I discovered our former relationship wasn't the only thing that was based on a foundation of lies and manipulation. He was actually a con artist and had bilked massive amounts of money from people in an investment scam. It showed up in the news where he lived, destroyed friendships, ruined retirements, and generally caused drama in many lives. In the end he was convicted of stealing millions of dollars from people and given the maximum sentence. It is likely he will live out the remainder of his life in prison.

What I now find funny is that compared to some of the shenanigans in the current financial landscape, his bullshit was amateur.

I haven't heard from him since before he was convicted. I have no wish to ever hear from him or about him again. I am generally happy with my unfabulous life built upon my own efforts.

(I include the photo because he is a handsome bear and I know naked hairy men titillate so many people who might be reading this. Plus, he really hated that this photo exists.)

Anything to ask me?

Go for it, ask me questions. I'm not going to write much unless prompted, so you are doing me a favor!

Comments will be screened and if it is something you want answered privately, just say so and make sure I have a way to contact you.

This hasn't been one of the best weeks of my life. I have spent time on the phone with my mom as she worries that she doesn't have enough money to live on and will have to sell her home; I discover an old friend who means a great deal to me killed himself; and I have the flu.

The week started with an emotional phone call. Out of respect for my mom, I  will not detail what has been going on. My dad's death and the aftermath continue to be very stressful on my mom and I  struggle to provide the support she needs. This week has been one of the more difficult ones as the pressures for her to give up home and her sense of security are mounting. If someone could slip a winning lottery ticket into her mailbox, that would be a welcome solution. I feel a little foolish glossing over the importance of this part of the week, but it is a family matter and not appropriate for a public post.

The next big blow came this evening. eggwards arrived home and said he had bad news. urso has posted that David Ramirez killed himself last weekend. I debated using the gentler "ended his own life" but I'm not feeling that charitable towards David's actions at the moment. No matter how much I understand why he might have come to this point, I am angry that he made that decision. I understand he was unemployed, I understand his finances were in shambles, I understand he had health problems, I understand he and his partner broke up, I understand how many different ways his life could be seen as in the toilet. I could understand how painful things must have been for him on financial, emotional, and physical levels. I just can't accept it.

This was the first man I ever fooled around with. This is the man who taught me to kiss (as a side note, multiple people have praised what he taught.) This is a man who has always made me laugh. This is a man I lost touch with for years, then practically picked right up where we left off when we found each other again. This is one of the most endearing geeks I have ever known. This is a man with an inspired and infectious sense of the silly. This is a man I have always thought was hot. This is a man I thought of as extraordinary. This is a man who literally ticked. This is a man I am going to miss.

David Ramirez, fuck you for doing this to me and everyone else that loves you. Now rest in peace. I miss you.

On an anticlimactic note, stuck in the middle of this shitty week I have a mild case of the flu which is giving me fever dreams about getting fired for faking illness. However, it did inspire some fine whining on Twitter.

Because it is Santa Hat Day. That's why.

My dad’s death at the end of October came as a complete shock. His health was reasonably good as far as anyone knew. He had been recently diagnosed with diabetes, but there weren’t any obvious indicators that a massive heart attack was looming. Yet there it was. My mom and dad go out to lunch, then dad has a heart attack and dies before his soda even arrives at the table. That seems fucked up to me. If you ordered a drink, you should at least get to enjoy it before you shuffle off this mortal coil.

A few days after receiving the news, Mike and I fly to San Francisco then drive the rest of the way to my mom’s home North of Napa valley. When we get to the house my uncle is already there and my younger brother has left for a few days to take care of things back home in Fresno but will return in time for the viewing and rosary. It is a mixture of sadness and laughter. My family has always had a propensity towards sick and silly humor when we get together and in this case it keeps us all from sinking into depression. I think Mike was a little unsure what to make of our behavior at first, but he joined in eventually.

On Halloween we had the viewing and the rosary. That was when it finally became real to me. Stepping behind the curtain to see my father in repose, I could no longer pretend he was going to walk in at any moment. He was laying there in a casket and no matter how much he looked like he would wake up and talk at any moment, I knew that was never going to happen. My dad was dead. I couldn’t change that. No matter how much I wanted him to move, no matter how much it looked like he was just asleep, I couldn’t deny he was gone. A feeling of despair and a dull anger washed over me and took my strength so I knelt by the casket and let the emotions flow until I was ready to stand again. It wasn’t a dramatic breakdown, just a pitiful and confused loss of composure in a private alcove in the presence of my father’s corpse. I rejoined our friends and family in the main hall now that I had seen what I needed to see.

Not being religious, the rosary service did not mean much to me in context, but I know how much it means to my father’s side of the family and how much it would have meant to my dad. I let the repetitive nature of the service lull me into a calm almost meditative state and just let my thoughts flow. I sat between my mom and Mike and just held their hands just trying to make myself and everyone else feel a little less empty.

The next day, the church was full for the funeral. Family, friends, coworkers, hospital volunteers, and everyone my dad had touched were there. It was inspiring to see so many people who drove for hours to pay their respects. At my dad’s former company, so many people requested time off for the funeral that management had to send a reminder that there was still business to be done and not everyone could take time off. Every member of the family, with the exception of those unable to travel, was present. Friends of the family and neighbors from the bay area all drove up. It was amazing. When the opportunity was presented to speak, many in the room took the time to speak about how much my dad meant to them. No one could get through it without voices cracking and tears streaming. The emotion and sense of loss from everyone was staggering.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak at his funeral. Everything I could think to say just seemed selfish when I played the words out in my head. I wanted to say how much I respected him and how much I loved him and how I could wish nothing more than to be like him. He was a quiet man with boundless integrity. Just a look and you could tell if he was happy, sad, pleased, or disappointed. He rarely said much, and didn’t have to say anything. It was always right there for everyone to see. Doing the right thing was always far more important than expediency. He so often acted selflessly to benefit his friends, family, even strangers. He didn’t ask for recognition, but everyone recognized his kindness. When I look in the mirror and see a bit of him in myself I feel proud. I kept my thoughts to myself. Maybe it was selfish to do so; maybe it would have been selfish to speak. So I took what I learned from my dad and stayed quiet.

The gathering after the funeral was joyous. While everyone was still sad, it was time to tell the happy stories of my dad, catch up with folks we hadn’t seen in years, and put the sadness to the side for a few moments. It would come back soon enough.

The next Monday we buried my dad. After the emotional rollercoaster of the last few days I just felt a numb sadness. I held my mother’s hand while the priest said a few words and the Army performed a 21 gun salute. Then we went home and I threw myself into looking through paperwork so I could try not to feel anything for a while.

I thought I would post my game system handles in lieu of a real update, because who wants to talk about such things as death, marriage, or politics.









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And there you have it, ways to hit me up when I'm in front of the TV playing games. (Like the uber-cute LittleBigPlanet which I have been playing lately.)

BTW, my dog doesn't eat controllers anymore.

My mom called a few hours ago to tell me that my dad suddenly died. I'm just plain numb right now and don't know what to do next.

I know I need to get out to California in the next few days, and I will, but the question is exactly when should I head out and for how long? My Aunt has already come over from the Napa valley. My brother will drive from Fresno to my parent's house near Clear Lake tomorrow. My presence isn't immediately needed, so I can wait a few days to leave. I feel like I should be there as soon as possible, but I don't know what I can really do once I get there. I know there will be plenty to do, for one my dad was always very private about finances and that will need to be figured out, but I don't know how much needs to be done and what will require my presence.

I checked flight prices, and it appears just as cheap to fly tomorrow as it does in the middle of the week. I will leave Monday or Tuesday but I'm not sure when to head back. I'll take at least a week, but how quickly will we put a service together? Are there any unexpected wrinkles that will take extra time? I'll just have to sleep on it and hope for some clarity in the morning. I was wondering earlier this week what I was going to do with my remaining time off I had banked for this year, but this is the last use I had in mind.

I don't know exactly what happened. They went out on their boat for the afternoon, had lunch at a restaurant they liked, and he got very dizzy. My mom says he became sicker and sicker then died. I don't know the details, and I wasn't about to press my mom for specifics. It isn't relevant anyway, everything happened so quickly I doubt much could have been done.

I can already feel the roller coaster of emotions building. I think it is starting with anger. I have felt for a long time that my dad has been holding something back and my first thought is that he had health issues that he didn't share. If I'm right then he might have helped himself by confiding in the people who loved him. The fear that this was preventable is the first thing to weigh on me. So far it hasn't beaten out the numbness. I hope it stays that way for a while longer.

Last weekend I headed to Disney for a few days to enjoy Gay Days Anaheim (apparently they can't or won't use Disney in the name because it isn't officially associated with Disney. Whatever.) I desperately needed to get away and not think about work for a few days and this trip helped. I think I even felt stress free at work for a whole 2 hours once I got back (it was an improvement, really!)

Rides were ridden, ran around with friends, met new people, slept in a surprisingly comfy bed at my hotel, faced a little of my anxiety surrounding Southern California, received various compliments online from people too shy to approach me in person, and miscellaneous other things I really should take time and expand upon. Instead, I will mention a few random highlights and shout outs.

Sunday we took a break from California Adventure to head to the Magic Kingdom for a bit. Upon entering we see Cruella DeVille and photos must be taken because the gays love their Disney Villains. Cruella graciously allowed photos to be taken in her presence and at one point asked for "all of her girls" to come and take a photo with her. Later upon seeing Merryweather (one of Sleeping Beauty's fairy godmothers,) Cruella cried out that the gates to the Magic Kingdom should be closed because there were already too many fairies inside.

On the flight out to California had a hilarious flight attendant that made the whole mandatory instructions routine fun. Kinda cute too if you don't mind the dyed and sculpted hair and goatee.

Spent a good portion of my weekend in the presence of liquid_wayno . We met during dinner on Friday night, hit it off, and stayed close most of the weekend.

Got to spend some time (in some cases, not nearly enough) in the presence of bigsabu , martini_tim , redbeardedblond , animbear , raisincub , sluggobear , kingfuraday , jpinsd , mattycub , e_ticket , fidgetcub , bittrlittlebear , tofallfor , bearwitched , metacub , and a cast of thousands. In other words I can't remember everyone I met or their handles, but I have a ton of mental imagery bouncing around in my noggin.

On the flight back to Texas one of the flight attendants was incredibly hot. Almost clean shaven, built like a linebacker, gorgeous eyes, and a great smile. Just a big slab of beef and I couldn't help but make puppy eyes at him the whole flight. I'm pretty sure he didn't notice.

blah blah picture of yourself right now.
don't change blah blah
post blah blah NO editing.
blah blah instructions with your picture....

I decided the full beard was getting tiresome, so I changed things up a bit.





before...


( and after... )

I have been more social and attended a few pool parties in the last few weeks. It has been fairly successful, I am feeling more comfortable being out and about, and I keep getting invites to other parties. I must come off like a reasonably nice person, so yay! me.

Then again, I don't know. I am still pretty lost in knowing all the unspoken rules of social interaction. Am I butting in on a conversation, or am I saving someone from be pinned by a boor. Am I talking too much. Am I talking too little. Am I wearing my swimsuit too high (this one actually came up this weekend. Apparently I should have been wearing my swimsuit in such a way that my pubes might fly out over the top at any minute. Who knew?) There are so many non verbal clues and so many little behaviors I just don't know or know how to interpret.

What people say, do, and think aren't always in agreement. It wasn't that long ago that somebody I thought was a friend posted in his "secret" blog about how boring and unfunny he thinks my partner is. Yet he never said word one to me or my partner that there was a problem. On the flip side, I never said to his face that I think he has some problems himself and at best I hinted at my worries to him. People have an unfortunate tendency to not confront others with these things for the sake of not making anyone uncomfortable and maintaining peace in the larger group.

The biggest problem is that these things are unspoken out of fear of being tactless. It is rare to be told you have an annoying habit or are doing something wrong and even becoming "that guy." Nobody wants to be "that guy" that did "that thing" that everyone apparently knows not to do but you don't speak about it because everyone knows already and you don't want to appear stupid, do you? I just don't get it, and it seems asking doesn't often get an honest answer because questions about your behavior make people uncomfortable and they break the "always appear confident" rule. If you dig a little, you may get some honesty but you will increase the discomfort very quickly. Sometimes it just seems like a big game.

Maybe there is a market for people to record your interactions at parties and then do an analysis afterward. You could go over the footage and see what you did wrong and what you did right. You could even be presented with a list of items you need to improve. I'm pretty sure politicians and other public figures already have this done for them. Surely there has to be a low cost version for the rest of us. I think the free version is called brutally honest friends with perceived popularity.

I'm still pretty fresh to being a social creature in a party setting. I think I'm doing ok, but feel free to tell me otherwise. It is certainly different than being in a group of known friends where you already have a feel for each other and what you can and cannot do. You know how far you can push your friends usually.

I have been spending a lot of my time pursuing interaction with other people, but not in a healthy or efficient manner. I will spend hours making idle chatter online, or obsessively refreshing my friends page on Live Journal. It is a wasteful and depressing process, constantly flirting with real interpersonal relationships but not truly engaging in them. I blather about the nothing going on in my life wishing something or someone would come along. Sometimes even that takes prompting by other people. I haven't even reached as far as being truly passive aggressive. I'm just passive and spinning my wheels.

It is becoming more frequent that I take it to a ridiculous level. I will procrastinate on doing housework. I will skip watching shows with Mike. I will barely leave the den. I get farther and farther behind and become increasingly stressed. All because I am waiting for some nebulous offer of excitement and social interaction to fall in my lap. If I leave the computer I might miss it. Maybe if I just keep watching and waiting with my little "online" marker lit someone will bring me into their group and I can be one of them too.

At least that is the thought that keeps circling below the surface of my thoughts. Hang out and hope someone notices me. On the surface I am reading news and comics online, checking my bills, playing a game every once in a while, organizing my email. Anything to distract me from feeling so lonely while I wait for someone to make me not lonely. Even in writing this I go in circles, that is the vicious little trap I have allowed myself to fall into again.

However, I am slowly getting out of the trap. I have been out of the house to a couple pool parties, neither of which were made possible by being online. Both required actual in person interaction for an invite to occur.

I do continue to get to the gym regularly although my eating habits have been slipping badly the last few weeks. When I get both of those in sync it does wonders for my mood.

I am still having trouble setting goals for myself and sticking to them, but I will get there. Every time I do complete a goal or task I feel much better and the momentum slowly grows.

I'm getting there, I just have to keep plugging away because I put myself here, it would be wrong to engage other people to fix a situation they had no hand in creating.

Possibly the biggest help is that I wrote this down so I don't keep working it in my head over and over.

I stop and remind myself that no one is surrounded by people constantly, in fact most of our time is spent relatively alone doing things that need to be done.

Life is not an episode of "Sex and the City" or "Friends" and waiting for it to become so is futile.

Still, if anything is going on, I have my phone and you can call me... or text... and I'll probably be checking email...

Thought it was about time to post a little something and show that I have been doing something other than working, eating, going to the gym, and sleeping.

About 2 weeks ago I flew to Seattle to spend a few days with the two handsome men in this photo, Rick and David. I met them on a cruise to Alaska back in September last year and they have become pretty special to me. I don't have much of an explanation for it, other than that they are my "Seattle bears" and they make me smile.

This trip was pretty relaxed. We all went on a Seattle Duck Tour and I got to see a little bit more of the city and learn a bit. We walked along the waterfront and watched the people go by. We went out to eat. We hung out around the condo and played video games. It was just comfortable time to spend together.

(incidentally, here is my collected photos of Rick and David if you are curious.)

#30 I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and I’m cool with it. I have a general direction, I'm not gliding through life rudderless. I just don't have a life's work that defines me or some great legacy in the making that will enshrine me in history books.

I like to dabble a little in a bunch of things and not take them so seriously that the joy is lost. When that happens, it is time to move on to something else. I have sang with the Turtle Creek Chorale, played piano, acted, played softball and volleyball, rode jetskis, all sorts of things to enjoy and I will enjoy some of them again. Admittedly some of these were when I was a kid, but the experience is there nevertheless.

There are certainly constants in my life and things I take seriously, such as computers. I will always be fascinated by everything technology has to offer, but even then I don't really focus on any one aspect to the exclusion of others. This serves me very well in my job. I work for a rapidly growing company that always has new technology challenges and I have the opportunity to learn new things most every day and let me take knowledge from many different places and put them together to meet our needs. I don't just focus on how the networking fits together. I don't just focus on the servers and operating systems. I get to touch a little of everything except perhaps performing software development. It is pretty exciting when it's not threatening to give me a split personality.

Life is good. I don't need to plan it all out and decide what my ultimate destination is. I don't need that roadmap that says in 5 years I will have bought a bigger house, become a CEO, and earned a PhD in astrophysics. It is enough to know I am constantly growing and learning, everyday becoming a little bit more than I was the day before. Maybe I won't go as far by some standards, but I will have a breadth that makes me happy and flexibility to handle whatever life throws at me.