Next week I will be heading to St. Louis to help one of our subsidiaries move to a new building. I arrive next Thursday evening to help with the move on Friday and will stick around for the weekend to be on hand for any difficulties found at the beginning of the week. My flight back is scheduled for Tuesday, but I suspect I will head home Monday night unless there are serious problems.

This means an entire weekend in a city I know very little about. I know cubziz and wooferstl  live in the area, and I will be in touch with them. Between them, anyone else I run into, and the internet in general, I am hoping for some direction on how to entertain myself over the weekend. I imagine I will go see the arch, but I'm open to suggestions in addition to whatever I may learn online in the next few days.

I have every confidence my part of the move will go well. I'm really there to move a router and make some minimal changes to go online with the new circuits at the new building. The biggest pitfalls are any problems encountered by the local telephone company or the data service provider, both of which are largely beyond my control. The only damage I could do is drop the equipment down a flight of stairs or muck up the configuration. I don't intend to do either (and mucking up the configuration would be an inconvenience more than anything else.)

It's partly a goodwill trip. The events leading up to this move have involved significant changes to their processes and giving us control of a good number of things where they were previously autonomous. Sending me helps show that we aren't a mysterious force in another state taking away all their toys. We're a smiley goateed force helping them move and taking away their toys. It's slightly different.

deanosota  asks "What part of your job do you like the most?"

I would say I most like implementing systems. It doesn't matter if it is building a totally new system, reinstalling an existing system, testing, or production. I tend to be happiest when I am lost in the midst of putting all the pieces together and making them work. I was the kid who would build all kinds of crazy things out of Lego, sit and admire them, then turn around and start improving it or pull them all apart to build something different.

I like to tinker.

elemental150  asks "what is your favorite pass time?"

There are a number of ways to pass the time that I enjoy. I am most likely to be found futzing around in front of the computer and chatting online and such, but that is almost habit more than preference. Really I have a greater fondness for playing video games, mostly in the adventure, puzzle, or platformer genres. The Legend of Zelda and Metroid series are some of my favorites. Most recently I have been playing a lot of Lumines Supernova, and before that LittleBigPlanet.

Now one thing I used to enjoy a great deal is hanging out with a good close group of friends. Unfortunately I haven't had a group like that in years and don't know when I might develop a group of friends again. It may be something wrong with me, or it may just be the way life is as you get further into "adult" life but I haven't developed that much of a connection with a group for a while.

Texas Bear Round Up has come and gone once again, and this was a good year indeed. I'm not going to go into detail, but instead give a few random thoughtlets that linger in my mind.

• Spending time with friends both old and new.
• Rekindling a friendship I thought had been fading away.
• Instead of avoiding the subject, telling people that another friendship had ended after I received a blow off email.
• Discovering a relatively new friendship has the strength to survive an exhaustion induced emotional outburst.
• Watching the Battlestar Galactica finale with everyone and realizing most of the room was crying near the end of the episode.
• Fulfilling a promise I made last summer in Wichita.
• Spending 7 hours at Six Flags and only riding 3 rides, but having fun nevertheless.
• Getting played by one of the "pretty" bears and laughing it off later.
• Feeling ok about not having a defined group where I belong.
• Seeing the new Dallas Eagle, complete with overflowing bathroom fixtures.
• Beginning and ending the weekend in a great mood.

(I apparently haven't taken any photos at TBRU in the past few years, so I am including a bear of a much more innocent stripe to go with this post.)

Ok, so I went ahead and dyed my hair auburn. It's not a huge change, but it is definitely more red now. Only effect I have noticed so far is one of the employees at Pei Wei started flirting with me at lunch...

This weekend, I will be testing the theory that redheads do in fact have more fun.

joshjeffcoat had previously suggested a gathering to watch the BSG finale on Saturday afternoon. After discussions with him, that plan has changed slightly and all your BSG goodness will now be hosted at the home of eggwards and myself.

Meet in the host hotel lobby between 11:30A and noon so we can arrange rides and get everyone headed in the right direction (This may coincide with the LJ bear meet and greet if one has been planned.)

This is around lunch time, so we will discuss getting some pizzas at our place or an intermediate stop for a group lunch.

After Battlestar everyone is more than welcome to hang out, play video games (I do have Rock Band 2 for the PS3 among other things,) munch on snacks, watch movies, whatever moves us. We'll have some snacks and sodas around, but while we do have some alcohol, it is essentially BYOB.

So, come join us and get your geek on. If you have any questions, leave a comment or send an email to cbride @ gmail.com.

bear_with_me  asks "What finally happened to your fake millionaire ex??????"

This one will require a tiny bit of background.

Years ago, my life was much more fabulous. I was with an extremely outgoing, very successful man. The kind of guy you either loved or you hated. Could sell ice to Eskimos and all that. Life looked like a constant vacation, at least on the surface. However, in reality, it was an abusive relationship (which I previously mentioned in this post.)

A couple years after we broke up, I discovered our former relationship wasn't the only thing that was based on a foundation of lies and manipulation. He was actually a con artist and had bilked massive amounts of money from people in an investment scam. It showed up in the news where he lived, destroyed friendships, ruined retirements, and generally caused drama in many lives. In the end he was convicted of stealing millions of dollars from people and given the maximum sentence. It is likely he will live out the remainder of his life in prison.

What I now find funny is that compared to some of the shenanigans in the current financial landscape, his bullshit was amateur.

I haven't heard from him since before he was convicted. I have no wish to ever hear from him or about him again. I am generally happy with my unfabulous life built upon my own efforts.

(I include the photo because he is a handsome bear and I know naked hairy men titillate so many people who might be reading this. Plus, he really hated that this photo exists.)

Anything to ask me?

Go for it, ask me questions. I'm not going to write much unless prompted, so you are doing me a favor!

Comments will be screened and if it is something you want answered privately, just say so and make sure I have a way to contact you.

This hasn't been one of the best weeks of my life. I have spent time on the phone with my mom as she worries that she doesn't have enough money to live on and will have to sell her home; I discover an old friend who means a great deal to me killed himself; and I have the flu.

The week started with an emotional phone call. Out of respect for my mom, I  will not detail what has been going on. My dad's death and the aftermath continue to be very stressful on my mom and I  struggle to provide the support she needs. This week has been one of the more difficult ones as the pressures for her to give up home and her sense of security are mounting. If someone could slip a winning lottery ticket into her mailbox, that would be a welcome solution. I feel a little foolish glossing over the importance of this part of the week, but it is a family matter and not appropriate for a public post.

The next big blow came this evening. eggwards arrived home and said he had bad news. urso has posted that David Ramirez killed himself last weekend. I debated using the gentler "ended his own life" but I'm not feeling that charitable towards David's actions at the moment. No matter how much I understand why he might have come to this point, I am angry that he made that decision. I understand he was unemployed, I understand his finances were in shambles, I understand he had health problems, I understand he and his partner broke up, I understand how many different ways his life could be seen as in the toilet. I could understand how painful things must have been for him on financial, emotional, and physical levels. I just can't accept it.

This was the first man I ever fooled around with. This is the man who taught me to kiss (as a side note, multiple people have praised what he taught.) This is a man who has always made me laugh. This is a man I lost touch with for years, then practically picked right up where we left off when we found each other again. This is one of the most endearing geeks I have ever known. This is a man with an inspired and infectious sense of the silly. This is a man I have always thought was hot. This is a man I thought of as extraordinary. This is a man who literally ticked. This is a man I am going to miss.

David Ramirez, fuck you for doing this to me and everyone else that loves you. Now rest in peace. I miss you.

On an anticlimactic note, stuck in the middle of this shitty week I have a mild case of the flu which is giving me fever dreams about getting fired for faking illness. However, it did inspire some fine whining on Twitter.

Because it is Santa Hat Day. That's why.

My dad’s death at the end of October came as a complete shock. His health was reasonably good as far as anyone knew. He had been recently diagnosed with diabetes, but there weren’t any obvious indicators that a massive heart attack was looming. Yet there it was. My mom and dad go out to lunch, then dad has a heart attack and dies before his soda even arrives at the table. That seems fucked up to me. If you ordered a drink, you should at least get to enjoy it before you shuffle off this mortal coil.

A few days after receiving the news, Mike and I fly to San Francisco then drive the rest of the way to my mom’s home North of Napa valley. When we get to the house my uncle is already there and my younger brother has left for a few days to take care of things back home in Fresno but will return in time for the viewing and rosary. It is a mixture of sadness and laughter. My family has always had a propensity towards sick and silly humor when we get together and in this case it keeps us all from sinking into depression. I think Mike was a little unsure what to make of our behavior at first, but he joined in eventually.

On Halloween we had the viewing and the rosary. That was when it finally became real to me. Stepping behind the curtain to see my father in repose, I could no longer pretend he was going to walk in at any moment. He was laying there in a casket and no matter how much he looked like he would wake up and talk at any moment, I knew that was never going to happen. My dad was dead. I couldn’t change that. No matter how much I wanted him to move, no matter how much it looked like he was just asleep, I couldn’t deny he was gone. A feeling of despair and a dull anger washed over me and took my strength so I knelt by the casket and let the emotions flow until I was ready to stand again. It wasn’t a dramatic breakdown, just a pitiful and confused loss of composure in a private alcove in the presence of my father’s corpse. I rejoined our friends and family in the main hall now that I had seen what I needed to see.

Not being religious, the rosary service did not mean much to me in context, but I know how much it means to my father’s side of the family and how much it would have meant to my dad. I let the repetitive nature of the service lull me into a calm almost meditative state and just let my thoughts flow. I sat between my mom and Mike and just held their hands just trying to make myself and everyone else feel a little less empty.

The next day, the church was full for the funeral. Family, friends, coworkers, hospital volunteers, and everyone my dad had touched were there. It was inspiring to see so many people who drove for hours to pay their respects. At my dad’s former company, so many people requested time off for the funeral that management had to send a reminder that there was still business to be done and not everyone could take time off. Every member of the family, with the exception of those unable to travel, was present. Friends of the family and neighbors from the bay area all drove up. It was amazing. When the opportunity was presented to speak, many in the room took the time to speak about how much my dad meant to them. No one could get through it without voices cracking and tears streaming. The emotion and sense of loss from everyone was staggering.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak at his funeral. Everything I could think to say just seemed selfish when I played the words out in my head. I wanted to say how much I respected him and how much I loved him and how I could wish nothing more than to be like him. He was a quiet man with boundless integrity. Just a look and you could tell if he was happy, sad, pleased, or disappointed. He rarely said much, and didn’t have to say anything. It was always right there for everyone to see. Doing the right thing was always far more important than expediency. He so often acted selflessly to benefit his friends, family, even strangers. He didn’t ask for recognition, but everyone recognized his kindness. When I look in the mirror and see a bit of him in myself I feel proud. I kept my thoughts to myself. Maybe it was selfish to do so; maybe it would have been selfish to speak. So I took what I learned from my dad and stayed quiet.

The gathering after the funeral was joyous. While everyone was still sad, it was time to tell the happy stories of my dad, catch up with folks we hadn’t seen in years, and put the sadness to the side for a few moments. It would come back soon enough.

The next Monday we buried my dad. After the emotional rollercoaster of the last few days I just felt a numb sadness. I held my mother’s hand while the priest said a few words and the Army performed a 21 gun salute. Then we went home and I threw myself into looking through paperwork so I could try not to feel anything for a while.